Indy was Monumental: I've still got a lot of fight left in me

I've experienced a lot of feelings over this race.  Elation about a PR in windy conditions, thankful for the opportunity to try, disappointment because for the fourth time I wasn't fast enough, fury about the control this arbitrary time standard has over me, frustration that my body just couldn't run 2.2 more miles at 6:12 pace, heartbreak because something I tried for so hard is still outside of my reach, and beyond thankful to be healthy.  I previously wrote that it's difficult to be unhappy with a 2:47 marathon, but it's also difficult to be content with a 2:47 marathon.  Guess what - it's even more difficult to be unhappy with a low 2:46 marathon, and more difficult to be satisfied with one.

When I entered the finish chute at Indy, I saw women who'd finished just 70 seconds before me wrapped in American flags, and that picture best exemplifies how my heart hurt at times during the week following the race.  I'm absolutely thrilled for all of the women who've achieved the standard, especially those who I know personally, and I am proud to be part of such a strong time in U.S. women's marathoning. 

When I read Meb's book, something that really stood out to me is his note that God expected him to use the tools He gave him to reach his goals, but the final results are up to Him.  I am giving this goal everything I have, but I can have contentment, regardless of success, because of Christ.  I certainly understand the disappointment that comes with coming up short, though, so whatever your 2:45:00 is, I pray that you get it.
 
While I believe the standard is in me, I greatly debated about whether or not I would try another time within the qualifying window that closes 1/19/20.  Initially there was no question; I decided I was running the California International Marathon (CIM) to go for it before I even left the Indy finishing chute.  I texted my coach about trying again right after I explained my race to her.  I was absolutely adamant that my PR would not be 2:46:08 at the end of 2019.

Two days post-race, I started getting really emotional about this miss.  I also realized that I wasn't sure if I could handle going to CIM and not getting the standard.  I'm still not sure I'll handle that well if it happens, but I realized that always wondering "what if" would be worse.  Worst case scenario:  I go to CIM and blow up, and know that I went down fighting.  I know I have it in me, some day, somehow.  If positive thinking could get it for me, I'd have it; I told myself for months that I was doing it at Indy so that there was no need to plan anything else; that I am a sub-2:45 marathoner.  I guess I'm going to pull that all back out and tell myself that I'm doing it at CIM...

You know what they say, fifth time's a charm!

Yes, I know that no one actually says that.  :-)

But maybe on December 8 I will.

And if I don't, I got a blessed journey out of this goal and regret nothing!

I haven't erased this yet