Houston, we have a problem...

The past couple of months have been a lot.  To summarize, I missed the OTQ by 68 seconds in the Indianapolis Monumental Marathon, but since the race was very windy it boosted my confidence that I had a sub-2:45 in me in better weather.  I set my sights on running the California International Marathon, where the weather is almost always ideal and the net downhill course alone would get me a time faster than I ran at Indy.  I just know that I would have run the standard at CIM, but my brother passed away a few days before the race so I did not go to Sacramento.  At that point, I also decided I was done with OTQ-chasing, but at the encouragement of my family and because I needed a structured training schedule either way, I asked my coach to train me as if I was going to run Houston.

For most of December, I followed my training plan exactly while at the same time believing there was no way I'd feel up for running Houston.  I love the day-to-day training so much that this didn't seem odd to me at all, but many other people thought I was nuts for running 90+ mile weeks with workouts when I didn't know what I was training for.  In the back of my mind, I am sure I wanted to keep Houston as an option, but it wasn't until December 29 that I decided I was actually going to go for it.

I then had a week of "I'm doing this" followed by a week of "I can't do this".  I am so tired emotionally and mentally.  I want to want to do this - I've had this goal for so long - but it's not the same anymore.  It seems so trivial to drive over 20 hours round trip to run a marathon just to try for a time that would get me into another marathon with 500 other women in February.  I could lament on and on, but in light of everything this all just seems dumb now.  I am also sad that my Big Dream Goal now feels so trivial.

I'm in a message group for the Houston OTQ pace group, and the things the other women are saying are just what I would have said before, but now I feel like an outsider because I don't think like they do now.  I have no doubt that I'm going to keep running and competing, but I just can't bring myself to care about the OTQ even a fraction of the amount I used to.  Someone once told me "It's fantastic to be close enough that it's a realistic goal", and today I'm satisfied with being 68 seconds away, and with having run 5 marathons in the 2:40s.

As race day looms, I've been trying to work on believing an OTQ is in me.  I've made a list of the reasons I can do it.  I've looked back on my training logs for a boost.  I know I'm the most fit I've ever been.  But I guess what I keep landing on is that while I believe I can do it, I just don't care like I used to.  Will I always regret it if I don't try?  If so, is that alone reason enough to try?  Will the 2024 standard be too fast to consider trying?

Also, just because I believe I can run sub-2:45 doesn't mean I believe I can do it at Houston.  I have been worried that I extended my season too much and am past peak now.  My January running hasn't gone as well as the previous few months, but I am also not sure how much of that is mental and how much is physical, and I always train slower in cold weather.

I have changed my mind about going to this race multiple times.  I'm sure I'm driving my family crazy over it.  I don't know that my explanations make any sense to anyone else; I've done all of the training and what else am I going to do this weekend, right?  I know it's not rational, but it's where I'm at.  Taper crazies plus grief is a very irrational combination.

Ironically, this is the second time I've used a variation of "Houston, we have a problem..." as a post title (the first is here)...

2018 Houston expo