Usually when a race I run a PR in gives out a race poster, I personalize it, frame it, and hang it in my workout room. The Indy poster sat rolled up in my closet for almost 7 months. Right after the race, I decided I had no reason to frame it because I was sure I'd revise my PR in 4 weeks at CIM. Then I lost my brother a few days before CIM and a marathon was the least of my concerns, then despite reservations I gave it one more shot in Houston, at the beginning of the worst case of bronchitis I've ever had (which I now highly suspect was COVID-19 - I'll get the antibodies test at some point). Next came time off running with hip pain, followed closely by a worldwide pandemic that changed everyone's lives. I wasn't able to run through stay at home orders/quarantine, and framing a stupid poster was the last thing on my mind!
Then, after 15 weeks off, I was able to return to running on May 30. There is nothing like returning after time off to make you appreciate your past fitness! While Indy wasn't good enough, I gave it absolutely everything I had and have recently felt more proud of my performance there - probably mostly because I'm quite confident I couldn't currently run even 1 mile at 6:19 pace!
So, I framed and personalized the poster, which brought up a lot of unexpected emotion! Three ladies I connected with either during or before Indy are in the photos I included; I realized that I didn't think anything differently about them for not achieving the OTQ (the are all AH-mazing!!!), but I sure can't get past thinking differently of myself for not being able to do it. I'm proud of Indy but I'm frustrated it wasn't enough. I'm disappointed it was so windy that day. I wonder "what if?" Mark were still alive and I'd run CIM. It's all become so interwoven and I'm not sure how to change that.
Right now I'm in the "I'll never run anything fast again" phase of returning to running after extended time off, but I've done this before so I know it is likely I will want to race again. I love running so much, and I realize that even more now that I'm back after being unable to do it (absence make the heart grow fonder, and in this case so does biking!). I would love to take all of the good parts of running and none of the bad - all of the rewards without any of the risks. If anyone has figured out how to do that, please comment below! ;-)
I know it's so hard to be so close and not quite get there, but when I try to wrap my head around a 2:46 marathon it is so crazy fast! Pretty much anyone who I've ever run with knows about your story and thinks you are crazy amazing! I know peace will slowly come but your whole story is so emotional. Losing your brother at any time is awful but the timing of it made it even worse. It's like you had 2 losses at once. You have weather it all with such grace.
ReplyDeleteThanks, I don't really feel like I've weathered it with grace, but I've just done my best. I think it's become so intertwined that I am much more upset about not getting the standard than I otherwise would have been, especially because he was cheering so hard for me to get it. It also all kind of seems like a different lifetime now!
DeleteDefinitely a different lifetime because your life will never be quite the same without your brother. That makes sense because the grief from losing your brother would make the grief of not getting to run your race worse. I know the first race I ran while Jeremy was in a coma, I felt like I let him down when I didn't win. So I can relate to that a bit.
DeleteI know you went through way too much with your brother so can relate! A LOT has happened in 7 months, both with me but also in our world; it is hard to wrap my head around.
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