My dream did not come true in HOU: Pre-race

The long version part 1 (the short version is here):

Race morning

The road to Houston was rocky, literally and figuratively.  At many times I felt like running another marathon was dumb, although I did all of the training for it.  About 10 days before the race, my daughter had the stomach flu and I figured I was a goner, but even with her in my bed I never got sick!  We planned to leave for Houston early Friday morning, but ended up leaving around 8:00 p.m. on Thursday, after my daughter's first band concert, to drive a few hours south to avoid the ice storm that was predicted to come through overnight.  Friday I woke up with a slight sore throat but figured it was just from sleeping in a somewhat cold environment and didn't give it a second thought.

My ride to Houston consisted of fiction,
podcasts, snacks, & compression

It was pouring rain Friday morning, so I did my shake out run mid-day somewhere random in Texas while my dad and husband ate lunch.  We arrived in Houston before dark on Friday, and I was feeling tired, but I chalked it up to sitting and sleeping more than usual.  Saturday I woke up with my throat more sore and feeling weak, and I again figured cold air made my throat sore and that I was just sluggish from being less active than normal, but I bought some cold medicine, zinc, and elderberry just in case.  I did the OTQ group run on Saturday morning, and felt kind of off - but I often feel off when tapering so still wasn't worried.  We then went to the race expo and checked into our hotel.  I took a short nap after lunch and when I got up from laying down I heard myself wheeze.  I took some deep breaths to double check, and then tearfully told my husband, "I'm wheezing, it's over."

Expo

This is how you get in the ADP corral!

After a little break down, I tried to be optimistic.  The power of the mind is huge, so I decided I was going to will myself well.  I decided I was going to wake up feeling perfectly fine on Sunday.  I decided that I was in good enough shape to run 2:45 sick.  I decided that the vitamins I had would cure me.  I decided I was still doing to do it.

Spoiler:  all of that deciding didn't work.

Not enough

I woke up Sunday morning more sick:  wheezing, weakness, sore throat.  I get bronchitis once or twice every year, and I have since I was a kid (I think it's related to having asthma as a kid).  It's pretty much the only illness I ever get!  So I knew what I had, but I didn't want to admit it - and, to be fair, I ran a decent half with bronchitis is May, so thought there was still a chance.

Since it really was the bottom of the 9th - the last day to qualify for the 2020 Trials - and since we were already in Houston, I figured there was nothing to do but go for it.  I didn't think I needed another marathon finish, or another 2:46-2:59.  In my mind, the options were 2:45:00 or DNF.  I told my dad and husband that I was going to go out with the 2:45 pace group, and if I was too sick to stay with them I would just drop out.  They were tracking me, and the race had timing mats every 5K, so they would know my status.

We walked to the ADP corral and I just didn't think about anything.  I didn't feel any pressure; I knew I was trained to run 6:15 pace for 26.2, I knew my body wasn't 100%, I knew I was going to give it my all on the day.  I also knew that it would be okay either way, and I didn't feel like I had anything to lose by trying, even if it seems dumb in retrospect (my lung function is terrible - sure, let's try for a marathon PR!).

My husband thought my throw away warm ups
were the greatest

ADP warm-up area

The story continues here.

My post about the last-minute OTQ chasers is here.
See the pre-race mention of the 2:45 pace group in the Fast Women Newsletter here.
Read the Runners World article about the 2:45 pace group here.

The Last-Minute OTQ Chasers

Throughout my Olympic Trials Qualifying time-chase, I've connected with many amazing women who shared the same goal.  Over the past couple of years, I've celebrated with several who have reached the goal.  I've commiserated with several who have missed.  I've connected with many who kept dreaming.

Before the Houston Marathon, I was included in a message group with the 2:45 pacer and other women planning to run with the group.  While I struggled with feeling like an outsider because I was struggling to find the same importance in the pursuit as I previously did after losing my brother, I related to the women and their passion.

Group photo before Saturday's shake-out run

No one plans to try for the OTQ on the very last day the qualifying window is open, 6 weeks before the Trials.  The women in this group hadn't achieved the standard for one reason or another:  near misses (one woman had run 2:45:02), injury (one woman was in a boot at her goal race), disagreeable weather, pregnancy, illness, simply a bad day, etc.  Some had breakthrough performances in the fall, such as dropping 5-10 minute PRs for 2:48-2:52s and wondered if they could dream a little bigger still.  Some had already raced 3 fall marathons, coming close each time.  Some had raced attempts just 2 weeks prior to Houston!

Pre-race note in Runners World

Pre-race note in Fast Women newsletter

These ladies were the most determined grittiest women you'll find.  Every single person felt that the perfect day would be her finishing in the very back of the huge pack in 2:45:00.  I passionately wanted every one of the women to get it, and I believe they all have a sub-2:45 in them.  I really realized that the difference between those who qualified and those who didn't was often just things aligning slightly differently - whether that was weather, a pace group, health, timing, etc.  It's just a different perspective when you're one of the 2:46s versus one of the 2:44s.

My friend Liz from Portland was among the
dreamers - she & I ran the Portland Marathon
together in 2009 (I ran a PR of 3:08 then)

Everyone loves the stories about the woman who got the standard in her first marathon, of the woman who ran it off of 50 miles a week, of the woman who ran it despite surgery or injury, of the woman who ran it 6 months postpartum (or while pregnant!), of the woman who did it because she just wanted it bad enough, of the woman who deserved it.  I guarantee that every women in the Houston last chance group wanted it more than bad enough and deserved it.  I'm thrilled for every woman who made it to the Trials - especially those for whom it didn't come easy to - and I celebrate this amazing time in U.S. women's marathoning.  But!  I admire the tenacity of the underdogs so much.  Some women tried for 10 years before they got it - others tried for 10 years to narrowly miss it.  Some ran several 2:45:XXs.  Some debuted with 4:00 marathons and kept showing up.  Talent is a beautiful thing, but hard work is even more beautiful.

Shake-out run taking off

Pre-shake out chatter

I am so thankful this goal has connected me with so many strong women, with so many hard-working dreamers.  I was so honored to be part of the Houston group.  I now have friends all over the U.S. who understand how I felt on January 20.  The goal is gone, but the spirit and community live on.

My dad's video from the OTQ shake-out run is here.

See the pre-race mention of the 2:45 pace group in the Fast Women Newsletter here.

My short Houston race recap is here.

Read my longer race recap part 1 here, and part 2 here.

Our group was featured in Runners World here (3 screenshots from article below)! 

Happy group

I'm glad Runners World didn't use this one since my face is halfway blocked!

Shake out run

Shake out run

My dad cheered for me at every attempt

My husband supported this chase 100%

Houston, we had a problem (third edition)

The short-ish:

I wish I had a different title for this one - "OTQ in HOU: My dream came true!" seems pretty catchy to me.  Instead, on January 19, the fifth time I lined up chasing the 2:45:00 Olympic Trials qualifying standard, on the last possible day to qualify for the 2020 Trials, the outcome was not what I'd dreamed of.  No one can say that I went down without a fight, though!

Expo

I left Missouri Thursday night healthy, developed a sore throat on the road on Friday, started feeling weak on Saturday morning, and began wheezing Saturday afternoon.  Since we were already in Houston, I tried to be positive ("I'll wake up feeling great tomorrow!"), live in denial ("I'm fine"), rationalize ("I ran a 1:23 half in 80 degrees when sick before so I still have a chance"), and tried every illness remedy I could think of:  zinc, vitamin C, hot tea, a hot acetaminophen respiratory treatment mix, elderberry, Emergen-Z, lots of water, and rest.

I decided I would start with the 2:45 pace group and if I fell off I'd drop out to avoid getting more sick.  I knew it was a very long shot that I'd be able to PR while sick, but with it being the last possible chance to qualify I knew I'd rather go out at goal pace and die off versus running a more conservative and even pace and coming in between 2:46-3:00.  "PR or ER", right?!  After the race an urgent care nurse practitioner confirmed I had bronchitis, although thankfully I did not land in the ER.

I fell off the OTQ pack around mile 10, and decided to run to the half timing mat so my family would get an update and know I was off pace and would be dropping.  Shortly before the half my friend Laura passed me, and after I told her I was going to drop she connected me with her husband (who was conveniently around mile 12) to drive me back, but I couldn't bring myself to step off the course and told them I appreciated them greatly but was going to keep going.

At the half I decided I'd go to maybe 15-16, depending on when I saw a medical tent.  Then I saw Ashley, another friend I'd met through this pursuit, ahead.  I worked on reeling her in, and we then ran together until almost mile 20, chatting the entire time.  We both knew our big dream goal was gone, but we enjoyed our ability to relax and run.  When she stopped at a porta-potty, we were almost to 20 so I figured I might as well just finish the thing.  I never looked at my watch during the race, but at that point I felt like I was running over 8:00 pace but after some internal debate decided "who cares" about messing up my sub-3:00 streak.  I was going to finish if it took me 3:45.

It wasn't until the race clock at mile 24 that I realized I was actually going to be under 3:00, as long as I ran the final couple of miles in 7:30ish or faster.  I tried to pick it up to make sure, running with others striving for a sub-3:00 and hearing the crowds yell "You've got the sub-3:00!" as we passed.  I finished in 2:58:45 gun time (results here).

I have far too many words for the short version, but literally and metaphorically, the story does not end here.  However, unlike the other four times I've tried, this time there is no "try again" since the qualifying window is closed for 2020, which is a bitter pill to swallow.  I trust that God has a better plan for me, but I've also accepted that there are many things we won't understand on this side of Heaven, and why he took my brother so early is one of them, and that has become intertwined with my recent marathon journey (although it does make the OTQ feel very trivial).

Read my post about the last-minute OTQ chasers here.
See the pre-race mention of the 2:45 pace group in the Fast Women Newsletter here.
Read the Runners World article about the 2:45 pace group here.
Read my longer race recap part 1 here, and part 2 here.

Final kick

Houston, we have a problem...

The past couple of months have been a lot.  To summarize, I missed the OTQ by 68 seconds in the Indianapolis Monumental Marathon, but since the race was very windy it boosted my confidence that I had a sub-2:45 in me in better weather.  I set my sights on running the California International Marathon, where the weather is almost always ideal and the net downhill course alone would get me a time faster than I ran at Indy.  I just know that I would have run the standard at CIM, but my brother passed away a few days before the race so I did not go to Sacramento.  At that point, I also decided I was done with OTQ-chasing, but at the encouragement of my family and because I needed a structured training schedule either way, I asked my coach to train me as if I was going to run Houston.

For most of December, I followed my training plan exactly while at the same time believing there was no way I'd feel up for running Houston.  I love the day-to-day training so much that this didn't seem odd to me at all, but many other people thought I was nuts for running 90+ mile weeks with workouts when I didn't know what I was training for.  In the back of my mind, I am sure I wanted to keep Houston as an option, but it wasn't until December 29 that I decided I was actually going to go for it.

I then had a week of "I'm doing this" followed by a week of "I can't do this".  I am so tired emotionally and mentally.  I want to want to do this - I've had this goal for so long - but it's not the same anymore.  It seems so trivial to drive over 20 hours round trip to run a marathon just to try for a time that would get me into another marathon with 500 other women in February.  I could lament on and on, but in light of everything this all just seems dumb now.  I am also sad that my Big Dream Goal now feels so trivial.

I'm in a message group for the Houston OTQ pace group, and the things the other women are saying are just what I would have said before, but now I feel like an outsider because I don't think like they do now.  I have no doubt that I'm going to keep running and competing, but I just can't bring myself to care about the OTQ even a fraction of the amount I used to.  Someone once told me "It's fantastic to be close enough that it's a realistic goal", and today I'm satisfied with being 68 seconds away, and with having run 5 marathons in the 2:40s.

As race day looms, I've been trying to work on believing an OTQ is in me.  I've made a list of the reasons I can do it.  I've looked back on my training logs for a boost.  I know I'm the most fit I've ever been.  But I guess what I keep landing on is that while I believe I can do it, I just don't care like I used to.  Will I always regret it if I don't try?  If so, is that alone reason enough to try?  Will the 2024 standard be too fast to consider trying?

Also, just because I believe I can run sub-2:45 doesn't mean I believe I can do it at Houston.  I have been worried that I extended my season too much and am past peak now.  My January running hasn't gone as well as the previous few months, but I am also not sure how much of that is mental and how much is physical, and I always train slower in cold weather.

I have changed my mind about going to this race multiple times.  I'm sure I'm driving my family crazy over it.  I don't know that my explanations make any sense to anyone else; I've done all of the training and what else am I going to do this weekend, right?  I know it's not rational, but it's where I'm at.  Taper crazies plus grief is a very irrational combination.

Ironically, this is the second time I've used a variation of "Houston, we have a problem..." as a post title (the first is here)...

2018 Houston expo

2019 Running Recap

Somehow, another year passed!  I learned a great deal on this journey around the sun.

I ran 3853.6 miles this year (3854 per Strava), which was a significant yearly mileage PR, surpassing the 3047 I ran in 2018 and the 3043 I ran in 2017.  I didn't check my yearly mileage until December 31, because I am already too obsessed with all numbers running related, but I knew I was in for a yearly mileage best since I've been running my highest mileage ever and haven't taken any time off.  Before 2017, I never ran anything remotely close to 3000.

My top 9 2019 photos on my running Instagram account

I ran my first 400 mile month (December) and my first and second 100 mile weeks in the fall, although each was on the rolling 7 and not a Monday through Sunday week.  I ran my first ever 90 mile week in February.  Through this I learned that I really LOVE mileage!

I ran PRs in the full marathon at Indy Monumental, in the half marathon twice (at the Indy Women's Half then at the White River Half), and in the 5K at the Panther Run.

I ran 3 full marathons:  the Chisholm Trail Marathon on March 24, Grandma's Marathon on June 22, and the Indianapolis Monumental Marathon on November 9.  Although Chisholm Trail was my slowest marathon in a few years, I was very happy with it off of the limited post-injury training I had, and that I was able to run it at all.  Grandma's was my second fastest marathon at that time (now my third fastest), which I was also very happy with off of a fairly short training cycle.  Indy is my current PR, which I was of course happy about but I also sure wished I could have found 68 more seconds there.

I set 3 Missouri state records:  age 38 half marathon, age 38 10 mile, and overall female 2 mile.  I'm not particularly proud of the times I ran in any of these races, but lucky for me no women my age in this state have run faster on a certified road course.

I won overall female in 5 races:  Bill Snyder Highway Half Marathon, Sweatfest 2 mile, Sweatfest 10 mile, Panther Run 5K, and White River Half Marathon (I was overall person in this one).  I podiumed/finished in the prize money in the Chisholm Trail Marathon (3rd female), at the Rock the Parkway Half Marathon (4th female), at the Brookhaven 5K (6th female), and at the Indy Women's Half Marathon (3rd female).  I ran 11 races total.  How you finish in races is heavily influenced by which races you choose, and I recently have gravitated towards races that I likely will not win, because I run faster within competitive fields.  I primarily think of the women I'm running against as people who can help me meet my personal goals, and not as my competition (e.g., I don't care too much what place I get, but want to hit my time goals).  Especially in my 2:46-2:47 marathons, I wanted every woman around to run 2:44:XX!

In the non-numbers realm, I am proud that I came back from an injury (more here) and developed a lot as a person, including growing a greater appreciation of the process in running.  I continue to find such thankfulness that I get to do this, and that God has given me this passion that brings so much joy to my life in many different ways. 

My biggest success of the year is probably zero injuries, and also zero injury scares!  I didn't need a single ART session or any treatments this year despite running the most I ever have.  I actually feel much better currently running 80-100 mile weeks than I used to running 50-70 mile weeks just a couple of years ago!

I continued coaching a few running friends free of charge.  While I don't have any formal coaching training, I've learned a great deal through my own experience and reading, and I don't want others to repeat my mistakes.  I also love helping others - and of course I love being in the middle of all things running.  Two of my proteges ran marathon PRs, and another ran two super solid marathons only 6 weeks apart, including one overall female win.  I had so much fun seeing their achievements across training cycles.  Running gives me so much that I am happy I can give a little back!

I have a lot of running dreams and goals for 2020, but if I can accomplish the goal of continuing to run healthy that will be the best achievement I can dream of.  Races are amazing experiences, but being able to go outside and run freely every day, sometimes twice, is unmatched.

My 2018 highlights are here, and my 2017 highlights are here (this one also lists my mileage totals from 2010-2016).

May God bless your 2020!

Garmin stats

2019 Race Recaps:
3/24/19 - Chisholm Trail Marathon
4/13/19 - Rock the Parkway Half Marathon
5/25/19 - Bill Snyder Highway Half Marathon
6/22/19 - Grandma's Marathon
7/13/19 - Sweatfest 2 mile and 10 mile
8/31/19 - Brookhaven 5K
9/8/19 - Plaza 10K
9/28/19 - Indy Women's Half Marathon
10/5/19 - Panther Run 5K
11/9/19 - Indianapolis Monumental Marathon
11/23/19 - White River Half Marathon

What I Read in 2019

These were my reads for the year!  Yes, I know I need to get a Goodreads account.

Bold titles = a favorite that I recommend.  I was really stingy with these recommendations, or else I'd have bolded 75% of these books!

1. Once Upon a Time There Was You by Elizabeth Berg
2. The Life We Bury by Allen Eskens
3. The Best of Adam Sharp by Graeme Simsion
4. You Will Know Me by Megan Abbott
5. The Man of My Dreams by Curtis Sittenfeld
   
6. Time Keeper by Mitch Albom
7. Fitness Junkie by Lucy Sykes & Jo Piazza
8. Clay Girl by Heather Tucker
9. A Child Called "It" by Dave Pelzer
10. The Reason You're Alive by Matthew Quick
11. Far From the Tree by Robin Benway
12. The Lost Boy by Dave Pelzer
13. Something Like Happy by Eva Woods
14. A Man Named Dave by Dave Pelzer
15. Christmas in Paris by Hazel Gaynor and Heather Webb
16. Winter Street by Elin Hilderbrand
17. Where'd You Go, Bernadette? by Maria Semple
18. Three Things About Elise by Joanna Cannon
19. The Stranger in the Woods by Michael Finkel
20. Surprise Me by Sophie Kinsella 
21. The Lovely Bones by Alice Sebold
22. After Anna by Lisa Scottoline
23. Winter Stroll by Elin Hilderbrand
24. Winter Storms by Elin Hilderbrand
25. Winter Solstice by Elin Hilderbrand
26. Look Alive Out There by Sloane Crosley
27. Feared by Lisa Scottoline
28. Joy School by Elizabeth Berg
29. I See Life Through Rosé-Colored Glasses by Lisa Scottoline & Francesca Serritella 
30. My Grandmother Asked Me To Tell You She's Sorry by Fredrik Backman
31. Lost Cat: A True Story of Love, Desperation, & GPS Technology by Caroline Paul
32. Beautiful Day by Elin Hilderbrand
33. Talk Before Sleep by Elizabeth Berg
34. I Might Regret This:  Essays, Drawings, Vulnerabilities, and Other Stuff by Abbi Jacobson
35. The Gifts of Imperfection by Brene Brown
36. Almost Sisters by Joshilyn Jackson
37. South Pole Station by Ashley Shelby
38. There are No Grown-Ups by Pamela Druckerman
39. Us Against You by Fredrick Backman
40. The Next Person You Meet in Heaven by Mitch Albom
41. My Sister's Keeper by Jodi Picoult
42. The Fever by Megan Abbott
43. An Unacceptable Death by Barbara Seranella
44. Small Great Things by Jodi Picoult
45. The First Phone Call From Heaven by Mitch Albom
46. The Road Home by Richard Paul Evans (this is the final book in the Broken Road series I recommend reading the trilogy in order - I read the other two in 2018 but this one wasn't released until spring 2019)
47. Big Little Lies by Liane Moriarty
48. Okay Fine Whatever by Courtenay Hameister
49. Leaving Time by Jodi Picoult
50. Barefoot by Elin Hilderbrand
51. All the Wrong Places by Joy Fielding
52. A Walk in the Woods: Rediscovering America on the Appalachian Trail by Bill Bryson
53. Between the Lines by Jodi Picoult and Samantha Van Leer
54. The Magic Strings of Frankie Presto by Mitch Albom
55. Someone Else's Love Story by Joshilyn Jackson
56. Beyond the Point by Claire Gibson
57. This Could Change Everything by Jill Mansell
58. The Library of Lost and Found by Phaedra Patrick
59. Commonwealth by Ann Patchett
60. Now That You Mention It by Kristan Higgins 
61. Good Luck With That by Kristan Higgins
62.  As Bright as Heaven by Susan Meissner
63. Run by Ann Patchett
64. Meet Me at Beachcomber Bay by Jill Mansell
65. 26 Marathons by Meb Keflezighi
66. Gods in Alabama by Joshilyn Jackson 
67. The Daddy Diaries by Joshua Braff
68. Let Your Mind Run by Deena Kastor 
69. Sisterland by Curtis Sittenfeld
70. Meb for Mortals by Meb Keflezighi
71. The Joy Project by Tony Reinke
72. Night by Elie Wiesel
73. Lottery by Patricia Wood
74. The Girl on the Train by Paula Hawkins
75. What Made Maddy Run by Kate Fagan
76. Into the Water by Paula Hawkins
77. Summer of '69 by Elin Hilderbrand
78. George by Alex Gino
79. Run to Overcome by Meb Keflezighi
80. Running Home: A Memoir by Katie Arnold 
81. Never Have I Ever by Joshilyn Jackson 
82. Reconstructing Amelia by Kimberly McCreight
83. The Christian Atheist by Craig Groeschel
84. All You Can Ever Know by Nicole Chung
85. This is the Story of a Happy Marriage by Ann Patchett
86. Roar by Stacey Sims
87. Mercy by Jodi Picoult
88. How Bad Do You Want It? by Matt Fitzgerald
89. Strong by Kara Goucher
90. The Happy Runner by David Roche and Megan Roche
91. Double Cross by Jackson Pearce 
92. Counterfeit Gods by Timothy Keller
93.  Riven by Jerry B. Jenkins - top book of 2019!
    
94. The Handmaid's Tale by Margaret Atwood 
95. How to Fall in Love with Anyone by Mandy Len Catron
96. Even If I Fall by Abigail Johnson
97. Right Beside You by Mary Monroe
98. French Twist by James Patterson
99. All the Dirty Parts by Daniel Handler
100. The Ocean at the End of the Lane by Neil Gaiman
101. The Grip of It by Jac Jemc
102. The Mother-in-Law by Sally Hepworth 
103. Mercy Me by Margaret A. Graham 
104. The Seven or Eight Deaths of Stella Fortuna by Juliet Grames
105. Does This Beach Make Me Look Fat? by Lisa Scottoline and Francesca Serritella

I didn't set a goal of reading a certain number of books, but in November when I realized I was getting close, I decided I wanted to hit or exceed 100!

The Happy Runner

Just a few days after I wrote about how the passion is in the process, I began reading "The Happy Runner" by David & Megan Roche, on the ride to the Indianapolis Monumental Marathon.

I highly recommend this one!  I'm going to be brief and vague, but most of the information in it really lined up with how I think about my running when I'm the happiest with it.  Results are sure great, and there is nothing wrong with having big goals, but if you don't love the process, then in my opinion you're really missing out.  I also think that runners who are the most successful generally love it, because loving it makes us more consistent - and nothing helps your running more than consistent mileage day after day.

The book also has some great training tips, and although not really anything I hadn't read before, it would be very valuable to a newer runner.

So read this and be happier!  :-)  If you're like me, happier at any given fitness level also equals the fastest I can be at that fitness level.

Christmas Cheer Compression

I own an embarrassingly large amount of compression socks, including 4 Christmas pairs that I wanted to get plenty of use out of this month...

These say "Sock it to me, Santa"

Reindeer games

We met at the Brewski Barn to run by El Dorado
Lake, so a photo with the sign was a must

Setting the camera timer & sprinting to climb
up on this sign via the rock on the side was no
easy task!

Festive headbands really completed this one

Reindeer socks on snow

Christmas morning

My niece's unicorn socks on Christmas topped
them all, though!

I also love ugly Christmas sweaters - after Christmas lights run #1

After Christmas lights run #2 - please note
our red & green Noxgear vests too!

Not compression, but my other festive socks

100 miles

For the second and third times, I ran 100+ miles within a 7 day span.  Since these rolling 7s overlap, I'm only counting it as once, but from Dec. 5-11 I ran 100 miles exactly (unbeknownst to me until I pulled up my Strava training log when I started this blog post), and from Dec. 7-13 I ran 100.8 miles (discovered after uploading my second run on Dec. 13).  I guess running an 100 mile week is less intimidating when you don't actually know you're doing it!

Miles with friends are always better!

On Dec. 2 and 3, I was in a taper for the California International Marathon, but when everything changed, I didn't open my training schedule again that week.  I ran whatever I wanted each day, which ended up being a lot since running is my coping mechanism and because I wanted to do tribute runs for my brother for Psalms 24 and 139, 24 and 13.9 milers.  I guess I am thankful I didn't have time to double most days, or I would have probably pushed the envelope too much.

I started back on a training schedule on Dec. 9 (I think we can all agree I need a plan to save me from myself!), and I followed it exactly except I moved a double from Dec. 15 to Dec. 13 due to the weather.  It was 54 degrees and sunny the afternoon of Friday, Dec. 13, and on Sunday, Dec. 15 we were supposed to have an ice storm (which did happen).  Here is what I ran Dec. 5-14 (149 miles in 10 days).  I was at my parent's house/off work Dec. 5-9.

Dec. 5:
AM: 13.9 easy Miles for Mark for Psalm 139 with April on the Red Bud Trail.  This was the first time following Mark's death that I was around someone who wasn't in the middle of it all, and talking with her helped tremendously.
PM: 4.2 easy miles, because we finished all preparations and it was 70 degrees out on Dec. 5.
Extras: 35 minutes glute yoga

Dec. 6:
AM:  8.1 miles with an unstructured fartlek in the final few miles (mostly 2 telephone poles on/2 off just to get my heart pumping and to breathe in the cold air).
Extras:  30 minutes body weight strength and 30 minutes post-run yoga

Dec. 7:
AM:  24 easy Miles for Mark for Psalm 24.  I started this run from my parent's house with my friend Michelle, who came to town for my brother's funeral and stayed the night in order to run most of this with me (isn't she the best?!).  We picked up April around mile 5, and she did 10 miles with us.  I dropped Michelle off at mile 18, and completed the final 6 miles by myself, including running by my brother's grave.  Most of the run was on dirt roads and the pace was a little slower than I usually run, so it wasn't very hard on my body and it was really good for my spirit.

Dec. 8:
AM:  7.1 easy miles. I couldn't decide whether I wanted to run 6 miles or 8 miles, so I ran 7!
PM:  6.2 easy miles with April. I was planning to do 5 miles but she told me if we did 6 we could run by a creepy house and it was definitely worth it!  The owner did not want the rails-to-trails Red Bud Trail behind his property, and put up all kinds of threatening signs plus an owl hanging from a noose in his backyard.  We wanted to take photos but we heard a door open so we didn't stop running.
Extras: 35 minutes yoga for tight hamstrings

Dec. 9:
AM:  7.3 easy miles in 25-35 mph wind, gusting to 45 mph.  Kansas is much flatter than Missouri but is generally also much windier!
PM:  5 easy miles that I stopped to do on my drive home to Missouri before it started sleeting.

Dec. 10:
AM:  10.9 miles with 3 warm up, 8 x 0.5 with 2:00 recovery jogs, 2.1 cool down in 2:53, 2:54, 2:54, 2:55, 2:51, 2:51, 2:53, 2:50.  My goal was to start at tempo pace (5:55ish or 2:57ish) and work down to 5K pace (sub-5:40 or sub-2:50).  I started a little quick and couldn't get under 5:40 (I am sure those two things are related!), but after the week I'd had I was pretty shocked I could even run sub-7:00 pace, let alone sub-6:00.
PM:  4.2 easy at lunch, which was needed on my first day back at work.

Dec. 11:
AM:  9.1 easy miles with my running group.
Extras:  45 minutes strength workout and stretching in the YMCA steam room

Dec. 12:
AM:  8.3 easy miles with Rebecca and Missy, with 8 x 15 second hill sprints towards the end.
PM:  5.1 easy miles at lunch
Extras: 15 minutes hip-opening yoga

Dec. 13:
AM:  8.2 easy
PM:  5.1 easy at lunch in gorgeous weather.
Extras:  15 minutes core work

Dec. 14:
AM:  21 with 3 progressive fast finish.  I couldn't get my fast finish miles down to my goal pace of 6:40, 6:20, 6:00 - I managed a progression but only to 6:38, 6:36, 6:26.  I felt strong but not fast.  After writing this post, I know exactly why!  The same thing happened on a 24 miler at the end of my first ever 100 mile week; I felt strong but not fast.  As much as I want 100 mile weeks to be my sweet spot, my body seems to be telling me they should only be used sparingly at this point.
Extras:  30 minutes post-run yoga

I wrote about my first ever 100 mile week here, and a 96 mile week here.

I am crazy enough to run 100 mile weeks and 20+ milers without training for anything, but currently I may or may not be training for something.  I change my mind often.  Initially after losing my brother and missing CIM, I said I was done with OTQ-chasing and that 2:46:08 could just be my marathon PR forever.  At the urging of my husband and dad, and because I know myself well enough that I know I need a structured running schedule, I asked my coach to train me as if I am going to run Houston on 1/19/20, the last day you can net an OTQ for the 2020 Trials.  In December I have generally felt physically very strong, but I have been completely exhausted emotionally and mentally.  On Dec. 9 when I started back with structured training, I felt there was no way I'd have it in me to run Houston, but since then here and there I have moments of "I'm going to do it", and everyone tells me that Mark would want me to do it if I feel up for it, which I believe is accurate.

So, I might run Houston.  I might not.  My coach said I don't need to decide until the week of.  My marathon PR might stay 2:46 forever, but more likely I will chase a sub-2:45 at some point in the future (at Houston or after).  I trust that God will give me the wisdom to decide when the time is right!

100 miles in the winter yields a lot of laundry

Everything else is trivial

On December 3, everything changed.  While my top priorities are always my faith and family, I am very guilty of getting caught up in the day-to-day.  Little worries like errands that need run, saying the right things at the right times, hitting certain split times on runs, chores that need completed, remembering my to-do list, wondering if I'm eating the right thing or recovering in the best way, etc. get pulled to the forefront.  After my brother was killed in a car accident, all of those things seemed so insignificant.

God gave us a gorgeous sunset tribute

Mark's funeral service was a beautiful tribute to Jesus.  Mark loved God and had read the full Bible multiple times.  He was a member of the church where his funeral was held, where my parents are also members.  Songs included were Amazing Grace, What a Friend We Have in Jesus, and I Can Only Imagine (this one played during a slideshow of photos from Mark's life).  Bible readings were from Isaiah 43:1-3 and John 10:27-30, and their pastor provided a beautiful sermon about how God has us in His hand based on the passage from John.

God gave us a stunning sunset for the graveside service.  Family and friends came from near and far, and many more sent flowers, kind words, and tributes.  My family felt so loved, even in this time of extreme grief.  It goes without saying that this was completely devastating for my parents.  I was fortunate my job was extremely understanding and I was able to leave work as soon as I got the news and stay with my parents a state away for a week.

I decided to honor Mark in the best way I knew how, by running for him.  His favorite Bible passages were Psalms 24 and 139, so on December 5 I ran 13.9 miles for him and on December 7 I ran 24 miles for him.  I had company from wonderful running friends for most of those miles, running only the final 6 of the 24 solo.

Dec. 5 - 13.9 miles with April

The longest duration on feet I've
had for years!

Dec. 7 - 24 miles for me, with Michelle for the first 18 &
April for 10 in the middle (I have no idea what is wrong with
my jacket here but I do NOT have a pregnancy announcement
coming, hah)

Many runners reached out and told me that they were sorry about Mark, and although it probably seemed insignificant, they were also sorry that I missed CIM.  It meant a lot to me that people acknowledged that disappointment, but more than anything I was upset that the world went on as usual after Mark was gone.  I wasn't upset that I couldn't run CIM, I was mad they were still having the race.  I was upset that people were still running races, going to work, going shopping, eating at restaurants, doing all of the every day things that we all do as if the world hadn't changed, when in fact it had changed so drastically.  Of course everything goes on, but when it's your family member who has passed, it can almost feel insulting; how can everything go on as if everything is the same?

Fortunately my family has our faith.  We know Mark is in heaven and that he is rejoicing with Jesus. We know we will all be there some day.  I've been floored by the helpfulness and generosity of family and friends.  I've been overwhelmed by the sheer number of people praying for us, near and far.  Really everything on this earth is trivial when you really stop and think about it, but love and family are pretty special.

Mark's obituary is online here.